Text

the tinkle of
tinny music
in the air
the soundtrack
to those nights
spent exploring
the edges
of despair

crouched at
the edge of
a building
shaking like
a sheet of
plastic
i'm plastic and
i'm going to die
i remember that
movie
watching that
white haired woman
stick a hair
brush up
that little girl
locking her in the attic
purple piece
of crayon
he didn't stick
a hairbrush up me
only his fingers
dirty
with fingernails
full of crud

paint my fingernails
a calm shade
of black
paint, wait
blowing on them
impatiently
almost done
it hides the blood

i was riding up
an elevator and
she asked
i looked down
at my hands
bloody
fingernails
smudges of
red on my
hand
i said nothing

suck on the
teats of despair
she is my mother
and i worship
at her altar
worrying at the
rosary in my
hand
lips mumbling
a prayer
hunger loud
in my ears

i watched her
walk up the
stairs in her white
nightgown
the blood ran
out of her eyes
dribbled out
of her mouth
i clawed
at my face
and watched him
talk to her

she is dead
let her alone
i walk with her
hand in hand
to the edge
of the building
her white nightgown
blowing in the wind
hair whipping around
her face
place one foot
on the edge
tilt it over and
leave it dangling
feel the freedom
of the cold of the
rain on your toes
pull it back
watch the blood
turn pink in
the rain
place both feet
at the edge
she is right next to
me
a whisper of wind
with her hand
at my throat
'do it' she
says in a clot

i lick my lips
and i kiss her
goodbye
kiss everyone
goodbye
even the man
that fucked me
when i was
so small
she is me
and i am her
kiss her
hand
place both
feet on the edge
almost fall
tilt
tilt
tilt
he draws my
face with his hands
the eyes
crying tears
of jagged glass

falling
falling
falling
my hair is free
above me
my hands lifted
up towards
the sky in offering
the kiss of rain
on my face
falling
falling
falling

everything is
red
i can't see
all i am is
a bundle of
broken bone and
blood and hair
put me in a
bag and cart
me to the
mortuary

nobody cries
over me
i don't cry
over me
instead i
laugh in the
darkness
and i dance
with the grim
reaper
clutched in his
black grip
his sickle digging into
my shoulder
leaving a bloody
gash

we kiss
and i can feel
the world
underneath my
fingertips
all there is
is black
his eyes
are two
black wells
the nasty
kind with a
flimsy wood
covering
ashes
ashes
fall down
fall down
we all fall down