Text

she holds her
hands together
trying to pretend
they're not trembling
too much coffee
drunk over school
books
stands up
the floor sways
there is a merry
go round in her
head and they've
forgotten to turn
it off
chattering thoughts
little nazi with
a snub nose
and grey eyes
smiles tightly

smooths her
hand over her
stomach and
feels the fat
'pig'
the thighs
wide

the top half
of the mirror
has shattered
(she can't see
her face)
the eyes running
askew
the mouth a
twisted sneer

she holds
her face in her
hands and
can feel the
fat
it grows
mysteriously on
her body even
as she keeps
her mouth closed
during meals
and does that
little trick
afterwards

'fat bitch'
feels her wrists
not thin
enough

her boyfriend
says she's
all angles
his mouth
set in a
disapproving
line
'why can't you
see what you're
doing to yourself?'
turn her back
on him
feels the bile
rise at the
back of her
throat

wants to choke
the life out
of herself
wants to destroy
and smash and
carve into the
monster she really
is
takes the knife
to her wrists
feels the warmth
of her blood
slipping onto
her fat thighs
the world spins
the emptiness
screams to be
filled
'just one bite just
one bite'
a fervid chant

she goes into
the kitchen
and eats and
eats and eats
until she can't
move can't feel

'stupid bitch'
she throws up
into the trashcan
until there is blood
splattered on her
fingers
moans low
in her throat

she gets up
swaying slightly
eyes unfocused
the traces of vomit
on her chin
hands trembling
her shadow is
cast on the wall
and it is thin