Text

i sat in
the dry bathtub
staring at
the hair
clogging the drain
soon i would
turn on the water
soon
my clothes littered
the bathroom
torn bra
draped over
the doorknob
and the underwear
i wore hidden
underneath my
red dress
i didn't have to
see the blood
slicking them

it smelled like
cigarettes
the ash fell
i smoked one
after another
the taste sooty
on my tongue
the glow
as i lit another
one
when i put one
out on my thigh
i didn't flinch
just felt it
grind and smoke
mouth stretched
into a smile
with too many
teeth
the smell of
burning flesh
came and i realized
i had let my hand
linger too long
there was an accusing
black hole
in my flesh
my thighs quivered
the blood stirring
my heart beat in my
throat
i could taste
the numbness
it was a blank colorless
space that stroked
along my arms
tasting the salt
of my skin

i stood up
muscles protesting
threw my cigarette
out
my hands wavered
i stared at them
when the water was
on the
scratches burned
the flesh they grinned
out of came alive
it crawled and i
could feel his
phantom hands
digging
searching for
what made me
shake
what made me
open my mouth to
scream
the hair in the bathtub
stirred
i gathered it together
and wondered
if i could bear
to throw it out
this dead piece
of me that had
been part of me before
before him
i chewed mindlessly
on a piece and then
i choked it down
it tasted like shampoo
and mildew
dead and secret
it lay in my belly
and i smiled

the stopper
had been left on
the water that had
gathered around
my feet was a rust
color
i pulled the stopper
and it swirled away
down
down
the drain
i turned to face
the water
and my mouth
trembled
as my flesh
cried out in
protest
his nails had dug
in
bitten in as
he had used me
his mouth
trailing along
my face

i scrubbed hard
with my hands
scrubbed and
scrubbed and
scrubbed
until my skin
was raw
red and bleeding
the scratches
plain
the cigarette
burn dark
i don't know
how long i stayed
scrubbing
the water
beating down
my face gazed
all that i could
see was his
hands
his hands
the water had turned
cold
it was steady
and cruel
i turned it off
and sat again

time stood still
that first night
it had stopped
inside my head
i put my
arms around
my legs
and watched
the drops
of water grow
fat
on the mouth of
the faucet
they fell
even as my
mind fell into
a hole where
only his hands
glimmered in
the darkness
they waited for
me