Text

i took up smoking
one day
out of the blue
smoke trailing behind
me as i moved
anonymously through
crowds
just another inconsiderate
smoker with her fingers
jittering the cigarette
to her lips
(my lipstick left a stain
like blood)

my mouth tasted
like ashes
i could imagine the
urn they would be
placed in
(plain black
the fancy etchings
left to those better)
when i kissed
boys in clubs
they would taste
my dead mouth
and come back for
more
i wanted to spit at
them
take apart their
spit-slick mouths
and swallow them
down

i would imagine movie
stars in black and white
back when they
were decadent
gods in shades
of gray
the smoke rising
above their shadows
a cancer eating away
at their very flesh
i hungered to be
them
to slink into a room
with cigarette in hand
and mouth stained
red (it would look
black on the screen)
and have others
gawk at me
look at the smoke
rising above my
head and inhale
the stained breath
coming out of my
mouth

i took up smoking
out of the blue
i reminded myself
that plath (who bled
words in gouts that
painted the bathroom
tiles red) took up
smoking in the last
few months of her
life
perhaps i will end up
cold and uncaring
the smoke from
my last cigarette
to be the smoke of
my funeral pyre