Text

i woke up
this morning
the blade
to my right
lying in red
gel
my fingers
crusted over
with blood
the bitter
metal taste
in my mouth

red gaping mouths
on my arms
congealed blood
i can feel the
tasteless anger
in my hands
grin humorlessly
at the streak
of white light
at the horizon

the walls
of my room
full of angry
words in red
scrapes on
my arms from
pressing my
words in a
desperate effort
to communicate

the night before
i lay motionless
on the bed while
he touched me
smoothing
has hands over
my thighs
parting them
grabbing my
breasts as if
he owned them
amused light
in his eyes
we smoked
afterwards
blowing the
smoke out the
window
in the cool
night

he told me he
loved me
smiled and
kissed me
clumsily
i felt cold
so fucking
cold inside
in the pit of
my stomach
was a block
of ice
my hands
were cold
on his face
they are
always cold
these days
i usually
wrap them
around a mug
of coffee to
warm them
up to warm up
my insides

when he left
that morning
i pulled the curtains
shut and put
out my cigarette
on my arm
washed him off
of me
cleansed
myself of the
congealed come
between my legs

spent the day
trying to hide
underneath the
covers feeling
the beat of my
heart and
wondering why
i was still alive
death was at
my ear and
he grinned against
the skin of my
neck

i felt buried
underneath
the silence
the silence which
jabbed at
my skin and
filled my ears
with white
noise
the cold crept
into bed with
me
left me shivering
and silent and
numb
i tried to scream
and no sound
would come out
only a shriek
that rose and
rose in my mind
until i felt that
i would go mad

went before
the mirror and
watched my stick
arm carefully apply
dark makeup to
my eyes
rimmed them with black
kohl
blew a grotesque
kiss at my reflection
my mouth a small
moue
of unsatisfaction

ugly white flashes
of hate behind
my eyes i felt
the pinch of anger
sharp on my
skin
i stripped off
my black silk
nightgown whisper
soft on the floor
looked at the
tapestry of scars
on my arms
across my breasts
and on the inside
of my thighs
i was perfect and
hairless
the small patch
of hair between
my legs shaved
away to please
him
my legs smooth
doll legs

in the mirror
my body was
unforgivable
unslim thighs
and a stomach
that pooched out
sudden fear
ate at my mind

the world
went blank
it was not until
the thin light
of morning crept
in that next morning
that i opened
my eyes

blood everywhere
my blood
i took of my
body and it
tasted bitter
i sat on
the edge of my
bed and smoked
pausing to
glance at the slippery
wet blood
still oozing
from the open
wounds on my
arms

slowly deliberately
put out the
cigarette on the
skin of my breast
and move to
huddle in
the corner until he
comes home