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walking around the
streets
watching skeletal
girls smoke
their stick thin
fingers hold
cigarettes to
blue lips

i could be
one of those
girls
sitting at a
cafe with
smoldering
cigarette in
hand and black
coffee in the
other
stub it out
on my hand
and pretend
that i don't
feel it

then i would
wrap my hands
around the
glass cup of
black coffee
feeling the burn
on my fingertips
warming myself
maybe i could
pour it on my
arm and watch
the steam rise
up like warm
breath

another stick
thin girl
with death in
the hollows
of her cheekbones
would sit down
i would watch her
jealously
seeing if i could
see the line of
her ribs
underneath
her tight
shirt
the one that defines
the straight
line of her body
no womanly curves
to speak of
like a boy

my lip would
be bitten clear
through
blood painting
delicate ribbons
on
my chin
when a boy
would see and
point and laugh
i would smile a
thin smile at him
and calmly show
him my middle
finger
no need to point
a girl with the
stink of rotting
food on her
breath and death
in her dull brown
eyes

maybe if i let
go i will be that
girl
fearless even as
i hurtle towards
the black ends
of the world
throw off the thin
metal sheet
of fear and
join in a dance
that will
never end
bile coating
my fingers with
the remains of
white rice
unsalted
less calories
that way of
course

i ate a
sandwich today
i didn't throw
it up because
i am not yet
strong enough
or is that
supposed to be
not yet
weak enough?
maybe in a few
days in a week
every meal will
come up in
succession
drawing pretty
designs on
the bathroom
seat

i laugh
knowing i should
stop
but i don't
want to
not yet
i want to
make myself
as frail as i
feel on the
inside
maybe then i
will be happy

no.
fuck happiness
it disappeared
down a storm
drain the moment
he touched me

i want to
touch death and
not be afraid
i want to see
the world on
sickly white
legs and arms
covered with
bruises
i want to see
my cheekbones
sharpen week
by week
in the mirror
see my hair grow
thin and start
falling out
i want to die
without actually
pulling the trigger
maybe then i will be happy

until then i will
wait and watch those
stick thin girls
and wish i was
one of them