Text

i want to fly
to the moon
with hunger
at my side
my ever constant
companion
the one who
whispers to
me in a flat
dead voice that
i can't eat
or i will get
f-a-t
i can't even
say it

i will fly
to the moon
and i will
tell everyone
to fuck off
my eyes
peering from
hollows
dark circles
ringing them
my skin will
be pale and
the light will
shine right
through me
as if i weren't
there

every few
seconds i take
my thumb and
finger and ring
them around my
wrist
making sure that
i can do it
feeling for
any additional
tightness

i will eat mustard
mustard on my lettuce
while my friends
order chinese food
steaming hot and
smelling delicious
what if i can
inhale the calories?

lettuce heads
disappear down my
throat
minimal calories and
it throws up very
nicely
smooth
it doesn't get
stuck like bread
does
scraping at the
back of your throat
wanting to reach
down and yank that
fucking bread out
stomach heaving
empty

reading books about
anorectic girls
who spit in the face
of hunger
i want to be like
them
pure and empty
like a fluted
glass
thin

unlovely girl
stomach pooching
out and
face round
smiling as the
blood runs down
her arms
her unthin arms

she can't feel
it
anymore
she wants to
fuck
to feel alive
but she won't
because every
pore screams
at her not
to put the
body into danger
she is the only
one that can
hurt the body
now

blood is cold
she can feel
it
racing
pure not
dirty like
fucking menstrual
blood

as it goes on
it moves from
i to she
she is the body
and i am
the mind
the body does
what the mind
tells it to
it scrapes
glass quickly
over scarred arms
too tired and
used to pain to
scream out that
this is not natural

is there anything
as fucking natural
as making yourself
bleed?
making yourself
pay for breathing air
that you do not
deserve to breathe
forcing yourself
to shake with the
force of your
heaves as your
late dinner comes
up

another night eating
forbidden bacon and
pancakes at dennys
take a shower and
vomit it all up
before washing your
hair
make sure all those
fries are
gone
made into a
blend of mashed
bread and coke
and meat

she's afraid
the fear reaching
a shriek in her
blank mind
why?
wanting to light
a fire and heat
some metal over
it
press it to
her arm
pretend it doesn't
hurt even
as the nerve endings
shriek and demand
that she flinch
but he will wake
up
almost time for
work
almost time
go to sleep
drugged with pills
for the mind
heart in her throat

why her?
she wants to
die and nothing
helps
nothing
useless words
on a glowing screen
she wants to write
a book but
she is not clever
enough
kill her!
kill her!
kill her!

kill the bitch
slit her throat
spill her blood!

kill the bitch!