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the moment between classes was filled with students running, their books in hands, big grins on their faces. she walked efficiently, not running, with a cold expression on her face. she never smiled at me in greeting nor did she even look at me. sometimes she walked with a friend and they glided by arm in arm, little secret smiles on their faces that shut the world out. the smell of her perfume tugged at me as i walked by her, my eyes stuttering to her face.

they said she was to marry lucius malfoy. his young bride, ready to be escorted to malfoy manor. shut away behind walls of stone, white hands never to do another minute's work. only her legs would do the work, parting as he drove into her. i wondered if she would feel any passion or if the cold look on her face translated to icy blood that rushed through veins that looked ghostly purple-green on her arms.

once our hands touched in potions class and she drew away, the look on her face removed. i was not here. i was just an object in which warm blood sang as her hand brushed mine. she did not even reprimand me for touching her. only told me to pass the asphodel in a voice that was low and empty.

when they officially announced her marriage to lucius malfoy her smile was thin, so thin that it looked as if it could melt off with a single breath. she could be seen writing letters in a small even script. the gryffindors whispered that they were love letters for lucius and the slytherins, of course, said nothing. they only gathered around her in a tight knot when james potter deigned to congratulate her in a sarcastic voice. sirius black smirked behind him and remus lupin looked worn, a shell of a smile on his face. peter pettigrew grinned, yellow teeth bared. the slytherins had their wands out and she only looked cold and unconcerned. she looked down her thin nose at james and with a whisper to one of her friends turned away with her head held high.

i wondered what it would be like for her in malfoy manor. would lucius warm her frosty skin with his kisses? infuse warm breath into her mouth. i had heard terrible things about him. the gryffindors spoke with scorn and letters began arriving for narcissa. they came through a haughty owl that nipped at anyone who tried to touch it.

sirius got a hold of one letter and he made copies that the gryffindors in the common room huddled around, reading about a man who was to take narcissa black and make her narcissa malfoy. sirius and narcissa were cousins but when he spoke of her it was in a tight voice and his eyes would flash. apparently, there was no love between cousins. the letters were businesslike and spoke of assets and houses and the need for an heir. i imagined a baby with white blonde hair and grey eyes slipping from between bloodied thighs. the squall of an infant that had been planned with no love in mind. neat, black words that slipped into my heart. i would listen to it beat at night, my hand fisted between my thighs.

the slytherins hexed sirius for that one letter and he was in the hospital wing for a week. when he came back it was with an easy grin, his friends crowding around. i had kept a copy of that letter and read it every night, wondering whether the sex between narcissa and lucius would be as dry as that letter. or would she arch her back in passion as he sucked on her flesh. would her eyes come alive and her voice rise above that cold, even tone. would it?

after graduation i watched the papers for news of their marriage. in july there was an article on the front page. in the picture her hands were loose at her sides and her mouth was red with rouge. he looked at her and in my mind i could see a dog putting his hand over a bone and growling.

i joined the order and james potter smiled at me and held doors open. his hair still messy but turned into a gentleman. when he first kissed me i imagined the face before me was narcissa black's, before she turned malfoy. then he said my name in a low voice and i was startled to see plain old james potter. i kissed him on the mouth and my heart was cold. it was filled with ice and i wondered why it still beat.

i saw her on the street once. she was with lucius and they walked regally by arm in arm. she never looked at me but lucius turned a cold, considering eye on me. i walked by, red hair waving in the wind. that night when james held me as we lay side by side in bed i could feel her disinterest gnawing at my skin, making me shake with want. when i slipped to the bathroom and masturbated as i looked at the wedding picture i had saved from the paper. james did not wake. i came with her name stuck behind my lips, trembling hand shining. i never saw her again.