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celebrate being
free! one day
without taking
the blade to my
breasts
wanting to
hack them
off completely
leaving behind
myself in
a pool of blood
so slippery

i'll fall into
the earth
down into the
depths where
there is no light
only the terrible
black and the
bats

this doesn't feel
right
i can feel despair
scrabbling for
a handhold on
the back of my
mind and i reach
for her hand and
pull her up
next to me up
on the parapet
look into her dead
eyes and kiss that
white fish mouth

feel her moist hands
on my arms
feeling the scars and
smiling with a mouth
that seems full
of too much black
i touch her hair
and take the leaves
out
kiss the back of
her white hands
and fall asleep
with my body
pressed up to
hers

wake up
mouth dry and
full of terror

celebrate being
free! fuck that
i don't need
a badge
unless it
is to be hammered
into the soft skin
over my heart

cellophane arms
paperdoll like
in that ad
join with the other
paperdolls and
be the one that
the silver scissors
hacked to pieces

kiss the anorexics
putting your arms
around their frail
frames get into
bed with the suicides
feel their lack of
heartbeat and wish
you were there
bend over the toilet
with the bulimics
and wish for the
sun

wake up on
the dry cracked
earth and plant
your blood and
watch it grow
puddled into
the ground
lap it up like a
dog and lay
down again

feel your hearbeat
and feel it skip
oops
i didn't know that
surviving on 400
calories would do
that
feel it skip again
do i give a fuck
no
i am going to
be thin
with wishbone arms
and a heart
lined with cracks
where my
courage has
seeped out

celebrate being
free! i'll take
my thin dreams
and blood underneath
my nails
i don't need freedom i
don't need pride

i am nothing and
nothing is all i ever
want to be