Text

thrill of
having a
sticky black
secret in
your pocket
take it out
and put it
in your mouth
and swallow it
feel it pulse
and stretch
and bite

do you want
to know my
secret?
i promise it
won't slither into
your mind and
leave its poison
clear and sour
it will instead
glide along your
skin and whisper
into your ear
that the world
is in black and
white and red
drip drip
blood dripping off
my cold hand
into the bathtub
the other hand clutching
a faded photograph

here's a message
from that girl
living is secret
shameful even
as her comrades
wither away
all bones and
skin
gorging herself
on blood
not starving
living
eating food
and keeping it
afterwards
she knows the
smell of vomit
and the feel of water
splashing onto
her face as her binge
falls and dissipates
into clear water

she is me and
i am her

lick my hand
and feel the cold
of my saliva
touch my face
and feel for the
hollows that
used to be
for the bones that
used to stick
out
instead there
is a roundness
a plumpness
that i despise
and curse in my
heart

i want to weight
ninety pounds
fragile and breakable
wraith amongst
the living

instead i weigh
one hundred seven
and feel life
crawling into
my skin
taste the food
in my mouth

smile coldly
and look up
at the sky
and wonder
where the stink
of death went

i cut my arms
as if searching for
something that
will tell me i'm dead
i've shriveled
into a ghost
blood drips onto
the floor even
as the girls
wait in line
for their turn
why is that
girl taking so long
in the bathroom
they whisper
bitch

i am living i
want to be dead