Text

can i balance
my weight on
my nose
keep it exact
precise
while i do
unnecessary calculations
and count how
many calories
that double latte
cost me this
morning

probably a
zillion

or maybe only
fifty
seeing as how
it came up in
a brown gush
along with my
morning pills

inside my dresser
drawer i keep
a picture of me
two years ago
perched on a chair
my hands held
out in supplication
i could wrap
my fingers around
those wrists
quite easily
with room to spare
i want that girl

i want the way her
collarbone sticks
out
the way i know
her hipbones jut
the way i know she
spends her nights
writing furiously
while her shadow
on the wall grows
smaller and smaller
until she disappears
in a sea of pills

that girl vomited
up that dinner
in a fancy french
restaurant
escargot
down the drain
better there than
sitting
stewing in a vat
of juices
her little finger stuck
out when she threw
up
the space underneath
the stall next to
her empty of
feet

little girl
tasting a milk and
honey dream
why can't you
cry?
why can i?
the whimpers of pain
have been pushed
into the empty
walls and your
eyes are two
black caverns that
absorb the sight
of blood
i know your
secret

i know

you're dead and you
can smell
your decaying carcass
it's underneath
the mountain
of broken glass
words and frosty
glass

i'll pretend you're
alive and cover
you up
and cuddle with
you and pretend
i don't feel the
stickiness
red jam

red jam eyes
and strawberry smiles
on your wrists

let me go back
to that
please